l o l
I
l l
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^ a person jumping to conclusions ^
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more than one side to every story exists
acknowledgement of ones own faults is important
even more being able to admit to it aloud to yourself and others
no one is a victim
cause & effect explains everything
take every perspective, feeling, reasoning and incident into account
don’t let anyone paint a picture of someone else in your head, no one is the snapshot idea someone has of them.
I can remember fifth grade when teachers would ask what you want to be when you’re older, I repeatedly put ‘respected’ as my answer. That’s an odd answer to hear from a nine year old (I was always one of the younger kids in my grade) that would be easily dismissed and shrugged off at the time and honestly didn’t make enough sense to me to properly defend at the time. I barely have begun to realize why that’s was so important to me at an early age and still is at 24. I recall other times around high-school when I was asked this again in both classes and from a female and my answer remained the same yet, I still was unable to properly explain why that was my answer. That’s not the case no more. I get why it’s so important to me.
I grew up like most kids do; going with my parents where ever whenever they had errands to do or we went out to eat as a family. It felt like every time we went to go do things I experienced/witnessed people quickly switch up how they would talk and treat my parents and I because of their struggle to speak english fluently and be able to communicate with people for the things we needed. From an early age I saw peoples facial expressions, sly remarks and condescending passive actions to both my parents and I just because of a language barrier and difference in appearance. This has bothered me deeply for years in a way that I didn’t understand up until a few weeks ago. I have an obsession with earning and being treated with respect by others because I began feeling disrespected from an early age yet, I won’t follow that golden rule bullshit because that really only applies in a “perfect” world. I witnessed my parents put our family in a better place through my upbringing moving from third ward to tallowwood, to a predominantly white neighborhood and own their home within five years. Within the first year of us moving to that last neighborhood I remember walking home from the bus stop and hearing a white lady who lived down the street from us yell at me “tell your wetback parents to go back where they came from” that shit has never left my mind, I can still hear her pitch and hear her voice crack as she screamed it at me driving past me.
I hope this obsession and need for respect works out rather than shooting me in my foot.
over half way through 24 and i’m barely beginning to take grand strides towards goals and material possessions i told myself I would achieve and acquire since I was 16.
wild.
granted i told myself i would achieve these things earlier on in life, the fact that i am doing it now means so much more to me. there’s few things that make me feel better than following up on my word. i’ve gone through many up’s and downs of hating myself/my life and the fact that I had to be alive to live through it.
i’ve attempted suicide, spun that cylinder and pulled a trigger in my mouth three times, no bullet went through the top of my skull for a reason and that becomes clearer and clearer every october.
it’s crazy, talking to my dad these days and he still saying the same thing from elementary school “porque no puedo tener un hijo normal?”
i finally hit him with the best response yesterday without missing a beat; “jeez pa, it must really suck to have a son who is unapologetically himself and succeeding.”
i saw it struck him, finally.
i understand he never imagined having his son who looks the most like him be such a different version of himself yet here i am.
i know I make him proud though despite my reckless nature and all the trouble/obstacles i’ve put myself/us through.
yet my determination, discipline and demeanor he respects. i know he’s proud to have his youngest son be completely self-sufficient, debt free, perfect credit and with nearly as much money to his name as him.
i’m no longer a liability, i’m a fucking asset.
when was the last time i asked for some help i couldn’t get from anyone else?
i mean what did he expect?
kings make kings
and kings never really die
I’m well into the process of breaking and forming habits
this is nice
this is needed
gradual lasting change by improving behaviors, responses (or lack of) and routine.
this is better, this is right
Internal conflict is draining and exhausting.
what’s worth being said and what isn’t. I have probably nine pages of my thoughts on certain subjects written in my drafts but I’m constantly torn between if it’s worth posting. I’ve written and released and I honestly don’t need to prove shit to anyone who doesn’t actually know me or take the time to have a conversation with me or ask me something directly. Ugh. This is unnecessary but I needed a quick vent and I didn’t feel like talking to anyone about this.
"let me say this before I say anything else; Real don't have anything to do with if you can whoop somebody, that's the short change. Real just mean standing up and being a man or standing up and being a woman. You know what I'm sayin? I'm not gonna say nothing about you behind your back that I can't tell you in your face. Like "hey that person is a hoe, yo! I just called you a hoe, what you gonna do bout it?"
- Joseph Wayne McVey IV / Z-Ro
Glad to say I agree with what real means to Ro and I been that. I’ve been honest with myself, with others and kept my truth consistent no matter where i’m at or who I’m with. I’ve met and come across too many people in my life that talk shit about people they surround themselves with or people they call their friends that can never say the same thing to their face that they say behind their back.
I’m still me, honest, quiet, mind my own business and got my head down focused on working on myself.
Honest to myself and those who actually speak, keep up with and believe in me.
The only person I need to be happy with/about is myself at then of each day/night.
walking with my head up high today,
wild how timelines match up and how many similarities and coincidences there are right now.
I’m beyond happy, I wish nothing but the best for you if you’re reading this, I always will.
that’s unconditional, take care
It’s been a long time since I’ve drank liquor like this, even longer since my sole intention was getting fucked up.
I’ve written a lot today, but there’s really no point in sharing on this topic cause only two people care at the end of the day. Truthfully, what’s the point, we both see each other as being in the wrong and at the end of the day I can’t find an emoji or GIF to show how much I don’t give a fuck about what others who know nothing of me from me think about me.
A window into my colorfields, personal approach and feelings on them.
It all began around 2016 that I became enthralled with Rothko’s paintings after coming across untitled no.5/no.22. Something about that painting just screamed at me and pulled me into his world of clouds of color. I began to look him up online, buy some books on him, his writing effort and do research on him. A few months later I had a project in one of my college art classes that required us to research and present on an artist we admired. In my studies I found how tormented and conflicted he felt about his art, reputation and recognition. In this I felt/feel a connection.
Many people see Rothko as an abstractionist and it is important to know that he denied being this wholeheartedly;
“I’m not interested in relationships of color or form or anything else. I’m interested only in expressing basic human emotions — tragedy, ecstasy, doom, and so on — and the fact that lots of people break down and cry when confronted with my pictures shows that I communicate those basic human emotions… The people who weep before my pictures are having the same religious experience I had when I painted them. And if you, as you say, are moved only by their color relationships, then you miss the point!”
- Mark Rothko, Impromptu interview at The Whitney Museum Annual.
While I admire this about Rothko, my approach to the colorfields is quite different in many regards. I do care about color relationships, I do care about form and composition and I do care about delivering a specific emotion through the painting. While Rothko speaks of expressing basic human emotions in a generalized fashion my colorfields are personal and specific to me. They convey my emotions, experiences, relationships, memories, depictions of others and self through the use of colors, forms and use of space. For example, I often feel anxious and for lack of better words I will list a few that help convey a feeling a feel constantly; tight, tense, on edge. While I don’t show this clearly, because I’ve had how many fucking years to learn to cope in my own ways, I’m often feeling like my head is going to burst with all the trains of thought going on at once. I show this visually with always using many forms to fill the canvas with the forms close to each other and edges with little to no room between them to show tension, the visual representation of being cramped for space but still managing to make it work. The colors are symbolic of my feelings on my self, others or memories. The colors range because my emotions range, it’s a spectrum and I’ve fallen on every point of it. Keep in mind color connection/meaning is different amongst all. Everyone has different connotations with different colors that are formed throughout time, experiences and others so remember what you feel when viewing my paintings is specific to you and what you make of it, the only way to know my thoughts and explanation of any colorfield is to ask me. Please do, I’m happy to share and crave to hear what you feel and what goes through your mind when immersing yourself into my colorfield paintings.
One of the latest colorfield pairs I made are based on a past relationship and I; at first glance the two colorfields seem like complete opposites but when you look closer you can see that they are just slightly off of being perfect opposites/complementary of each other. So close and similar but not a perfect match, the goal is to show that we weren’t a perfect match because we weren’t perfect opposites. This is just a depiction, a snap shot caught in colors and forms of two individuals in relation to each other seen through my eyes, my perspective. I’m valid and wrong at the same time and I’m aware of that.
Anyways, maybe after reading this go check out the colorfields tab and view that collection of work in a new light.
fuck my ego
fuck your ego
fuck everyone else’s ego
fuck my ego
fuck ego
