three months in to being the age of 25
this year weighs heavy on me like three ton boulders resting between my neck and shoulders
not in a sense of depression though, that is omnipresent
in a sense of I’m at a realization of how important this age/year is to me
in reality it’s just 80+ hours required of me being hunched over working for myself and others
I’m not complaining, no matter what type of life you choose to lead it comes with its own set of problems, i’m so grateful that I am appreciated by people whom I don’t know and am supported by them. At this point I feel it’s the only thing' that’s kept me here this long.
I’m learning to get back into my fitness and how that helps tremendously with the back pain/fatigue/tightness I feel these days, I just don’t keep the same workout regime I did since track & field/college weigh-lifting phases. I now realize the benefits that shit yielded and am prepared to dive back into that.
…
^ Cont./Rewritten from Oct 23rd 1:37 A.M. *
t h r e e - c h e c k p o i n t
state of consciousness / spontaneous creativity
the gap between thought and action
three months into being 25 y.o.
this year already weighs heavier on me than I thought it would in comparison to 24
these thoughts are what I think about most as of late;
This is a pivotal year in terms of my brain development; the habits I keep this year in regards to action, critical thinking, discipline, soaking up new ideas/theories/values with an open mind, being in a constant state of positive expansion is what will set the tone for the rest of my life and what I feel will create the auto-pilot standard for the life I(ego) lead. (plasticity — neuroplasticity)
This is the age my dad moved to the U.S. and began the process to bring my mother and his mother over. I compare, compare, compare. I don't care about where I stack up with my peers anymore, we're not the same, we don't think the same, we don't want the same things. I know no one personally that has goals as big/bigger than myself. I feel arrogant and crazy explaining what I want for myself and those around me when I say it out loud but I also know it's my exact truth. I have enough belief in myself to manifest things alone, don't need anyone. Straight ego shit. I only care now about competing with what my dad accomplished at this age and against what younger me has wanted for older me.
I think so much about how much of a burden/cost I've been to my parents throughout my life and how all I want now is to provide them with a carefree life, able to do whatever they want knowing their youngest will be there to provide whatever they need or want.
I'm a year older than when Gabriel took me under his wing and blessed me with his knowledge and belief in me that is definitely a pillar to who I am now and what I have learned from him that I still carry with myself and reflect on all the time. I think about how much time and money he invested into me and how we was the first stranger to make me feel worthy, valuable, like my potential and future is visible and seeping through me. One day i'm going to hand him or Nathaniel a bag or check with $500k.
I need to detach myself from my ego again, I feel and see myself behaving at times in a manner I don't want to be and see what I do myself in others ego's acting out as well. I am not what I do/what I have/what I will do. I'm just a physical medium between those things and my consciousness. Constant contrast/contradiction to see both sides for and against what I believe/do. I'm really only what I'm doing in the moment and nothing else.
Every strategy comes with a cost. Balance is 50% hard work 50% malleability. Find out your base line for pain tolerance and learn to get angry for fuel when you hit that to move further ahead. (biased)
What are/were the constants/set of when I have felt the most in-tune with what I want to do and the action of doing what's necessary for that. What were the constant thoughts on my mind, what did I keep playing in-between my ears, what was my sleep/work/rest balance. What routines led to the most streamlined
It's important to me to leave multiple tangible proofs of my existence. Art, buildings/land in my name, literature, museums in my name, sculptures in cities I choose/choose me, strains, conscious and ethically/environmentally responsible businesses, be an integral part of a city and it's infrastructure.
I've achieved self-sufficiency, now I want to switch the roles and go back to living like a kid while being the provider like a parent for my whole family. I know what I want and now I'm learning what I need to do to get what I want.
Understanding what I can and can't control.
My anxiety isn't debilitating, it's a part of me I've learned helps me realize/move towards what I need to do in order to grow.
None of what I'm pursuing is for admiration, fame or to be known. I just want to prove to my parents and myself I can do whatever I put my mind to.
Contradiction isn't bad, it's proof you can think in more than one direction.
The best work of your life doesn't come from frantic business, it comes from studying and calculated decisions. It's not rocket science. Slow down, learn to be still, don't calculate and move at the same time, balance is key.
What respect means to me is beginning to develop into something more complex.
How can I use this corrupt system to do better? Conscious capitalism is a real thing. I'm constantly thinking about it. It's about how you position yourself and the businesses/properties you own. You can help a lot of people and benefit from those tax benefits/exemptions/loop-holes. You can provide affordable-sustainable-luxury housing for people. You can provide the platform/outlet for your community, your people. You can provide offices, event centers, museums, storage centers for everyone with the goal being affordable, inclusive, meant to build community and networks to bring new ideas into fruition, development for development. Wealth isn't acquired trying to make yourself rich, it's acquired through facilitating others to reach their dreams.
How do you get the things you want in a better way?
What does retirement mean to me? Not what the status-quo is. I'm not fooled, I can see past the charade put on. They set you up to have to work until the age where you become "obsolete" for a reason.
How do you think that means you'll get to enjoy your life or what's left of it, how do you think you can achieve what you want through devoting your life to someone/something devoted to using you until your disposable?
I'm on a rant again. I thought typing this out would help organize my thoughts better, still just as scattered as every other attempt. I'm done for now, let's check back into this in another three months and see where I stack up, what opinions/views/goals have changed. This is how I feel today/right now that can always change,
I am malleable, I adapt.
